after I was asked to leave my home
I lived with my nephew
who was in law school
in my hometown
and he let me live there
because he owed me a favor
cause I had let him live with me
during his gap year
after high school
and cause he knew
I had no other place to go

and the first night went well
we had dinner,
I helped straighten out his apartment
cleaned the refrigerator,
bathroom and kitchen
drank some rum
and he smoked some weed
at 10: 30 pm
before he went out clubbing
and I fell asleep

and that was the first sign
that it was not going to work out
because our timing was off
he was ready to go
start the evening
when I was ready to sleep
and we made it work for a little while

I would stay away
till late at night
then I would call
to inform him that i was heading
his way and probably
right to bed
as to not disturb his plans

each day I would
think about ways in which
I could make it back home
and instead of reading the signs
my ex-wife made that said
I wasn’t ever going back
I made pretend it was a possibility
and that would get me through the day

If those thoughts didn’t work
I would think about running away
to Mexico,
Minnesota,
California
or New York
places I had old friends
or girlfriends
that would put up with me
until I got my feet on the ground
or got tired of running

one day,
I realized I could not go home
anymore
because I did not live there…
or as my son put it
so eloquently
‘I don’t remember now
what it was like when you lived here’
and followed it up with
‘is that a bad thing? ‘

or run away
to another city
because
I loved my children
too much
to let my anger
get in the way
of seeing them grow up

and I learned that
I could not parent them
on the morning drive to school
nor could I yell at them
for their mistakes
or do anything foolish
during the short times we were together
and I learned how to be quiet
and listen
and not focus on what to say next
but just focus on being there with them

I thought
things would never change
but they did

and my children forgave me for my mistakes
did not forget who I was
and I did not
have to regret
missing
anything

including
giving my wife
hundreds of reasons
fashioned into small postcards
that were mailed without stamps
to divorce me